I started this post today (May 22, 2016) to begin to get/keep a handle on how I’m doing spiritually — as a spiritual being STILL clothed in a physical body . . . still CAPTURED inside a physical body of flesh (which is NOT how I will be in Glory). Well, not exactly anyway — still in the flesh but, different.
I got home from church about an hour ago. I left early, right after the sermon (before the Lord’s Supper). Why did I do that?
I’m not entirely sure. I usually don’t — usually stay for everything. But I was not feeling ‘authentic’ enthusiasm for being there (at church). While I like/enjoy/appreciate/relish and welcome the Word of God, and what God has revealed to us (in nature and by His ‘special’ revelation) I often don’t feel particularly ‘gung ho’ when it comes to saying “Amen” to what all gets said. In fact some of the displayed ’emotion’ turns me off (for lack of a better way to put it). And even that (statement) does not quite hit the nail on the head. I’ve never been one to sit around and exclaim, “Wow! Isn’t this great!” Even when it is. Talking about it somehow (sometimes) takes away from the experience (for me). Perhaps like the hit song, “You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All.” It’s like when a novice songwriter says to me (with a song I haven’t heard before), “You are going to LOVE this!” THAT sort of thing (for me) potentially sets up some kind of psychological resistance to where I may very well like the song LESS than I would’ve had they said nothing at all — no brags . . . no claims. Same thing with all the hype surrounding a movie (or any celebrated event). LOTS of people are saying it’s “must see” (or whatever), which is sometimes a backfire or a misfire, when enticed people do go and return with something less than effusive praise.
What IS my experience? It’s like I don’t want to be there (at church) merely to fulfill some ‘obligation’ I feel. In some ways I don’t feel on the ‘same page’ with many Christians (in my opinion) and am not *like* most Christians (in my estimation).
I do (at some level) want to be ‘fed’ by the Word . . . but any/most “Who-Haa“ stuff (to borrow a military phrase) is not where I’m at. And maybe that’s okay . . . no one has advised otherwise. But, I’m listening to a sermon on feeling more passion and emotion and joy and ‘hedonism’ (for God) and feeling rather unaffected (except to say, tacitly), “Yeah, I know. I agree. What time is it?” What!?
Now, why would I do that? What IS (actually) going on? THAT’s what I’m trying to figure out (partially by blogging here).
To put it another way, via bullet points:
- I’m sometimes at church but not really *wanting* to be there. I’m there because I’m ‘supposed’ to be there and because I said I’d be there.
- I’m not feeling the same kind of and/or level of emotion as those who preach and/or teach at RBC . . . indeed, sometimes their display of emotion seems so contrary to mine (or my lack thereof) and perhaps even ‘too much’ (too over-the-top-ish).
- I can hear this or that and say AMEN to it and rejoice (in my own way) in the Truth of this or that but still ALWAYS feel like a wretched sinner and not anywhere near close to an exemplary Christian . . . or holy . . . or all the other ways I ‘think’ I’m supposed to be thinking and feeling and being, etc.
- I sometimes feel the only reason I’m at church is because God said so — not because I really want to be there. I’ve noticed (and have LONG noticed) that I seem to only want to do this or that when I “FEEL” like doing this or that. This is true from writing a song to taking out the garbage to cleaning my house to working out for fitness to accepting a social invitation to whatever. And THAT just makes me feel like a no-good s.o.b. — which I don’t *think* is how I am ‘supposed to be’ feeling (w/ respect to God and church and religion, etc.) And thinking that — what/where does it get me?